Things Go Bump in the Night
by umhiiguess
Summary: Lol, just another fanfic i made. Pairings, SaGa haha get it and SasSak. Sakura gets lonely, so what does Tsunade do? Includes implied sexuality and sexual humor. Do not read if easily offended.
1. Chapter 1

Things go thump in the night…

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

Chapter 1

Tsunade glanced at Sakura. Even thought the kunoichi seemed to be well over Sasuke, Tsunade wasn't the Hokage for nothing, with her power, she could take down 4 jounin in the blink of an eye.

Flashback

"Tsunade, you understand that not just any one can become a Hokage" Koharu glared.  
"I know that." Tsunade cocked her head arrogantly. "In order to become one, you must prove yourself to be capable. As so, you have to beat 4 jounin in combat. I have selected Kurenai and Kakashi help me and Homura test your strength in combat." Tsunade smirked. "Bring it bitch." She grinned evilly. "I'll even let you 4 start…" Koharu grinded her teeth. "Don't be so cocky, you whore!" The 4 jounin lunged at Tsunade from all sides. Tsunade roared "Breast Destruction no Jutsu!" and ripped open her shirt. Immediately, her giant tits burst out, each the size of a small Lexus; Kakashi and Homura both flew through the air with blood rocketing from their noses happily, those perverts. Kurenai froze for a second, shocked and jealous of Tsunade's cleavage. Unfortunately, Tsuande swung her chest, and slammed Kurenai into the wall, knocking the genjutsu master unconscious. Koharu growled. "Don't be so proud of those, Tsunade!" and with a series of hand seals, dispelled the Henge.

Let me tell you straight off. When you see two nice large melons each the size of Lexus, turn into a prune, your eyes will burn. And that's exactly what happened.

"AAAAAAHHHHH!" Koharu fell down clutching her eyes. "Damn you Tsunade!"

End of Flashback

"What's wrong, Sakura?" Tsunade asked, putting her pen down. Sakura sighed. "It's so frustrating! I don't even have a boyfriend yet! Hinata has Naruto, Ino has Sai, and Tenten has Neji, poor bastard." Tsunade tapped her pen on the desk impatiently. "Well, I suppose I could help…" Sakura shook her head. "No thanks, Tsunade. I have to find a boyfriend on my own." She got up and left. "See you tomorrow!" Tsunade smiled and waved goodbye. As soon as the door closed however, Tsunade grabbed a bird. "Shizune, correct me if I'm wrong, but Gaara is pretty lonely too, right?"


	2. Chapter 2

Things Go Bump in the Night

"Tsunade-sama, why did you want me to come with you to your meeting with the Kazekage?" Sakura asked Tsunade curiously. Tsunade smiled at Sakura. "Oh, I just didn't want to be anywhere without my aides." Sakura frowned. "Then why isn't Tenten here?" Tsuande's eyebrow twitched. "Ohhh…she's not that bad" Twitch. Twitch. Shizune sighed and stabbed the Hokage with a needle. "Aaahhhh, that feels so much better," Tsunade closed her eyes and inhaled, not noticing Sakura edge away nervously from the two of them.

20 minutes later

Gaara stood there impassively as he watched the three women approach the Hidden Village of Wind. "Welcome…" he said, not blinking as he stared at them. Sakura smiled. "Hello Gaara-sama!"

"…"

"Do you remember me?"

"…"

"You tried to kill me and Sasuke during the Chuunin exams."

"…"

Tsunade chuckled nervously. "Eh, Sakura, why don't you get the hotel ready while the Kazekage and I discuss the relationship between you, I mean , between Konohagakure and Sunagakure…"

"Okay Tsunade!" Sakura left. Gaara glared at the Hokage. Tsunade glared right back.

"If she mentions Sasuke…"

"Now Gaara…"

"I'll kill her."

"Look, she's the only kunoichi desp-willin-brav- I mean, she's the only kunoichi who wants to marry you that I know of…" Tsunade smiled nervously.

Gaara narrowed his eyes. Seconds passed.

He opened his mouth. "Fine…" He turned around and began walking. "I better not regret it…" Tsunade smiled. "Trust me, you won't." Gaara snorted. "Temari." His sister appeared. "Tend to our little flower." Temari smiled at the thought of her brother on a date with an airhead like Sakura. "Sure…"

Later…much later and out of the earshot of their psycho brother…

"2 hours"

"3" Kankuro smirked. "You really think she's going to last that long?" Temari grinned. "Of course." Kankuro rubbed his hands. "It's a bet. I can't wait to make her corpse into a puppet." Temari smiled. "I can't imagine just how much you want to 'play' with her, though she already seems like a Barbie." Kankuro laughed. "Can you imagine if the two do seriously marry?" Temari chuckled. "Don't be an idiot. Something would have to be wrong with Gaara for him to like her…" The two smiled at the idea. Then began panicking.

"How can Gaara stand her?"

"I thought for sure he was going to kill her when she said Sasuke!"

"You know, I think he fell asleep by accident…"

"Didn't Gaara get hit in the head?"

"He said he was alright…"

"Since when did you believe him?"

"Fools…you should stop worrying." The two siblings spun around to see their former sensei stand there staring at them. "If you really think something's wrong with Gaara, then ask him." Kankuro and Temari laughed. "Don't be an idiot" Temari smirked. "Do you really think that's going to work?" Kankuro chuckled. The two of them immediately jumped and began racing to ask Gaara what the hell was going on. Baki chuckled at the two. "Idiots…" and resumed writing his book "From Bakka to Baki, Stop Following Dr. Phil, and Listen to This Suna Jounin!"


	3. Chapter 3

Things Go Bump in the Night...

Allright, before we start off, let me tell you this. In this portion, Tsunade goes through a change. Not being racist here, I know the material here is probably very offensive. I mean no disrespect at all. In this scene, a Japanese drunk middle age women goes black. If you know you will be offended, skip it. This material here is very controversial, and I apologize for it. If you do skip this, the next chapter will fill you in. Now back to the show.

The two jounin sibs landed into their brother's private tower.

"Gaara!" They yelled. "Are you seriously going to go out with her?" Gaara stared at them. "Yes…" The two jounin cast nervous glances at each other. "Um…well, we thought you know, that you would prefer to go out with someone in our country you know…" Kankuro started awkwardly. "What boy, what?" Tsunade roared as she walked in, drunk with a sake bottle in her hand. Temari's eyes widened. "Shouldn't you be in your-"

Tsunade roared again "Don't try to calm me! I'm perfectly calm! What now, you want some of this? You want some of this! I take the both of you! Girl, you askin for bitch ass slapping!" Tsunade staggered drunkenly. "And you know sumthin, boy, my grandma, and her grandma's grandma, had to work hard to get my cousin cousin to where they are, and no obese sorry bitch ass like yours is going to disrespect that!" Gaara stared. "Tsunade, your great great great grandma did not build Konohagakure-" "Shut it, Buffy!" Tsunade roared (again). "No frickin' rapist dead shit is going to tell me who my daddy is." Temari cocked her head. "Tsunade, are you trying to be black?" "WHAT BITCH, WHAT? SO WHAT IF MY SKIN IS DARKER THAN YOURS! YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT!" Kankuro's eyes widened. "Your skin is pale, Tsunade-" "BOY, YOUSE GOING TO GET IT!"

(This scene was removed due to the fact that the camera man here could not stand Breast Destruction Jutsu, and promptly died out of blood loss. The concussion he acquired while flying through the roof may have helped. Nevertheless, the camera fell to the floor and so we lost the filming. Do not worry, nothing important was lost.)

Gaara sighed as he surveyed the scene. His floor was a mess. True, it was just his floor and no other buildings/floors were harmed, but still, IT WAS HIS FRICKING FLOOR! THE KAZEKAGE'S ROOM WAS TRASHED! WTF!

No…that was not what he was thinking. What he was thinking was it this was the master, what the hell was the student going to be like? Oh shit, he thought…


	4. Chapter 4

Things Go Bump in the Night...

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any other related trademark products. I also do not own Harry Potter or any other related trademark products. I do not own (this sounds so wrong, but I have to write it) Oprah or Dr. Phil. I do not actually mean anything I say about them, and apologize any for offense any of them take.

Okay, I know I said I'll fill in everyone who skipped the last chapter. So basically, Tsunade got drunk and messed up Gaara's room, and Gaara's like oh shit, what the fuck did I just give my soul to, and Shukakh's all like haha bitch, you're in some serious shit now, and Temari's like oh shit, Shukakh's back and Kankuro's like oh shit, why the fuck can we read minds, and Dr. Phil's like oh shit, Baki is trying to replace me and his tattoos clash with the suit, and Oprah's like, oh shit, this memoir's pretty good, and Baki's like no bitch, that's a self-help book, and I'm all like screw this paragraph and just read the story.

"Gaara-sama! You look great!" Sakura exclaimed when she saw Gaara walking slowly towards her. Tsunade smiled. _So far so good, _she thought. Gaara cocked his head. "…I see…" he said vaguely. Tsunade's eyebrow twitched. _What the hell_ she thought. "Sakura, you don't look too bad yourself," she gritted her teeth. _Damn it! Doesn't that bastard know he should compliment her? _Sakura looked bashful. "Thank you, Hokage-sama." She turned around to face her teacher. "So what are we doing for tonight?" Tsunade smiled at her student. "You and Gaara, are going around town for an outing, while Shizune and I hit the liquor stores to stock up when we get back to Konoh…" "BITCH! THAT IS SO LIKE YOU TO JUST LEAVE ME!" roared Inner Sakura. "Okay." Sakura smiled. "So, Gaara, where are we going?" Gaara blinked, almost as if he was thinking. "I was thinking of going to the library, and then to the chiropractor, for my monthly visit." Tsunade's eyebrows twitched again. _This is a fricking outing, you retarded boy, not your to-do list. _Of course, she didn't say anything, as she was enough trouble already.

Flashback

"Tsunade, you have the right to remain silent, anything you say-"

"Fuck you, officer! I know my motherfucking rights! This is police brutality, POLICE BRUTALITY, DO YOU HEAR ME!"

"Anything you say can and will be held against you in the court of law-"

"ANYTHING I SAY WILL BE TURNED INTO BULLSHIT! YA'LL IN SOME MOTHERFUCKING SHIT, HEAR ME! THIS GOING TO COME BACK AND GET YOU MOTHERFUCKING BITCHES!"

"Ma'am, calm down, please, calm down-"

"I'M PERFECTLY CALM, MOTHERFUCKING BITCHFACE! YA'LL HAVE SOME MOTHERFUCKING ISSUES!"

"Shock her."

"OH HELLS, NO! THAT MOTHERFUCKING SHIT AIN'T GOING UP MY ASS!"

"Ma'am, if you do not want us to use the taser, I suggest you calm down-"

"DID YOU MOTHERFUCKING BITCHES NOT HEAR ME? I AM CALM! YA'LL GOT SOME SHIT UP YOUR-"

(The taser was shot, further angering Tsunade, until Shizune came over and stabber her with another needle. Unfortunately, this happened to late, as Tsunade was charged with:

Property trespassing

Destruction of property

Public stripping

Assault on the Kazekage

Assault on several police members

Assault on the Kazekage's family members

Alcohol overdose

Assault on parole officer

Ethnicity offense

However, due to the fact that Tsunade was acting under the influence and Suna did not want to start another war with Konoha that will end up with their ass getting handed to them again, they decided to drop all charges except

Alcohol overdose

And destruction of property.)

End of Flashback

"That sounds like a great idea, Gaara," Tsunade gritted her teeth. Gaara turned around and stalked off. Sakura glared at Tsunade. "You could have told me I was on date!" Tsunade smiled "It was a surprise Sakura-san, now go on the date with Gaara and have a good time." Sakura glared. "And what are you going to do?" Tsunade looked surprised. "Didn't I just say?" Sakura rolled her eyes. "Never mind…" and she went off to follow Gaara.

Meanwhile…

"Temari, is it ready?" Kankuro looked up as fast as he could, without causing more blood to flow out of his bleeding nose (see last chapter)

"Shut up, idiot! I'm working as fast as I can!" She set the sniper rifle up. "Now what the hell is up with this?" She glanced at her brother. "Is the potion ready?" Kankuro looked at the bottle. It read (In Japanese of course):

"Property of Hogwarts: Truth potion. Just two drops and this person will spill their deepest secrets!" Kankuro looked up. "Better make it four drops…" He said nervously.

Like it so far? Please comment and rate.


	5. Chapter 5

Things Go Bump in the Night

The two jounin leapt from building to building. They were invisible. No one could know where they were. They were-

"YO!" the two sand nin jumped suddenly. Naruto stood there smiling and waved at them. "HOW THE HELL DID YOU FIND US?" they roared.

"Um…cause I've been following you guys the entire time?" he scratched his head. "But that's not the point. What are YOU guys doing, following Gaara and Sakura, with a-" he leaned over and caught a glimpse of what was strapped on Temari's back. "A SNIPER RIFLE?" he yelled.

"You know what this is?" Temari looked at him in shock. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH A SNIPER RIFLE!" Naruto yelled again. "That's not the point-" "IT IS THE POINT!" Naruto yelled again. (notice how there's a lot of yelling and interrupting) Kankuro shook his head. "Naruto, be quiet, all right? We don't even know how to use it…" Naruto laughed. "You guys don't know how to use a sniper rifle? You guys are dumber than me! It's so easy! You just… you just…what?" Because Temari and Kankuro were looking at him in a weird and new way. "How…just how do you know how to do it?" Naruto froze. "I don't know how to use a rifle." "You almost told us how to use it." "I don't know what you're talking about." "NARUTO!" "FINE! You just (No, I am not teaching you guys how to use a sniper rifle.)

"Thanks Naruto." Temari loaded it up. "Oy, you still haven't told me what you're going to do with that." Temari and Kankuro glanced at each other. They owed him, but…what was he going to do? "We're going to shoot Sakura…" Kankuro began. Naruto shrugged "Oh well. Sucks to be Sasuke." Temari started. "Wait! Sasuke likes Sakura." Naruto froze. "I said nothing. Bye!" and he fled for his life. Temari and Kankuro glanced at each other. "Ohhh shit…" they said. "Oh well." And began to finish their job.

At the Ramen stand of Sunagakure (yes, there is one. You just don't see it)…

The two dating ninja were slurping ramen without a word. If it continued that way, the two wouldn't have fallen in love and life would go on with everyone on board, but it just so happened that…

"GAARA!" Kankuro leapt at his brother and attempted to pour the potion down his throat, but he forgot about the sand shield (how can he be so stupid), and ended up spilling all the precious liquid as he slammed onto the ground, knocked out from the sand. Temari on the other hand, had perfectly memorized Naruto's instructions and was now aiming at Sakura's head.

"Die whore!" and fired. Appearance is never what it seems. So when Gaara had gotten up to prod his brother's body, he got in the line of fire. So the bullet had been blocked by the sand shield, and Sakura, knowing she had almost died and believed Gaara was an awesome ninja who protected her so naturally and had done all that on purpose, fell in love with him and hugged him, and Gaara who had never been hugged felt such warmth that he fell in love, and the two just stood there. (Just ignore the sand shield. Shukakh has a sense of humor.) And the entire situation blew up into a shit size problem. Of course this all made it into the papers.

In Otogakure…

Sasuke was reading the paper, when he noticed front headlines, "Foreign Love" with a picture of Gaara and Sakura hugging in a ramen bar. "Accidentally", he activated Chidori and punched a hole in the paper. "Accidentally".

"Kabuto!" he yelled. The sound medic appeared behind him, reading Baki's memoir/self-help book. "Yes?"

"We're going to Sunagakure," Sasuke's eyes glowed. "And stop reading that retarded book! You're worse than Kakashi…" "Hmm…" Kabuto flipped a page. "Sounds like you have anger issues…the best way to cure that is-" "Kabuto!" Sasuke yelled. "Allright allright, I'm coming. But you really should get some therapy…" Sasuke glared at him. "If you weren't Orochimaru's favorite…" "Ha, according to Baki over here, comparing positions is a sign of jealousy…"

And that went on for a long time.


End file.
